Tennis Elbow

I had a crazy and some what funny week that I thought might entertain you.

For the last three months Susana has been taken tennis lessons from the local tennis club that is pretty cheap ($79) for 15 one hour class on Saturdays. (And no we have not joined). Any way she is taking tennis 101 and is getting better each week. Last month I started to hit with her and quickly saw the improvement in her game. Well she has been after me to join her class. I told her that those days were long gone (she should have seen me when you and I were dueling it out in those five sets, 3 hours marathons). In any case the last time I hit with her I some how hurt the instep of my right foot. (Fucked up sneakers so I thought) I paid no attention to it at first, however as the day wore on the foot started to swell. I put some ice on it but it remained the same for two day. So I took my dumb ass to the doctor to get it x-rayed (thought it might be broken - old brittle bones you know) Well the doc told me it was not broken, but it had suffered some trauma, and had the beginning signs of arthritis (or as grandma use to put it mister Arthur is fucking with you). Damn!! Why me who is so young and pretty only to be inflicted with old age.

So now I look for a new pair of sneakers that will not damaged my already damage and arthritic foot. I must have look at about 30 pairs of different sneakers, trying to get the best pair that would ease my feets (and at least looked good) Shit!!!!!!! Good luck with that. Finally I go to this tennis and golf shop. (I had tried all the basket ball and running shoes). Tried on all the tennis Nikes, Reebok, Addias, ECT. No luck. Finally the old geezer who was helping me told that he wore these Prince sneakers that were pretty good protecting the foot. (Translates to old farts that have bad feets and don‚t like doctor shools) So as a last resort I tried them on, and they were great. Unfortunately they are ugly as a Bison‚s nut sacks. Oh well, fuck it- who am I trying to impress anyway. Since I was at the tennis shop I ask about some of the racket they had. They had the new Head, Wilson, Prince, and Babolat rackets made out of some new space age alloy to take your game to new heights. (Shit I remember when bobolat only made tape to put around your racket) I mention that it’s been awhile since I played and had on old Donney and Dunlop racket. The guy looks at me like I was taking about when Arthur Ash was still sucking on his mother’s tit. He said that Donney went out of business decades ago and that the Dunlop racket I had was like a great grandfather of the newer ones. For one hundred and fifty bucks I could own one new great racket that would last me a lifetime. So I ask him what kind of racket did he have and he admitted that he had an older Wilson racket. So I told the cocksucker that the racket did not make the player, and I was keeping my old grandfather stick.

But the story does not end here. The next day I hobble my sorry self over to the gym, for my back day. I felt good and had a strong workout with a buddy of mine (trying to get rid of the bad memories of the last couple of days). We push it real hard, and I felt tired but good after the workout. I go home and find Susana watching T.V. I tell her I am going to take and shower and a dump. (Not necessary in that order) Anyway I on my throne reading a magazine, when I am finish, I am ready to wipe my ass and when I reach back with my right hand my back locks up on me. Man I am in pain. Tears are coming to my eyes, snots coming out of my nose, shit clinging to the crack of my ass. Man I am fucked up. It takes about five minutes for the pain to subside a little bit. Well I can’t (or won’t) call out for help but the pain is bad. I figure I can at least wipe my ass with my left hand before I call Susi to help me off the can. What an asshole I am. The left side of my back starts to lock up. Now I am babbling like a little baby, back is in pain, feets hurt and I can‚t wipe myself after pinching a big loaf. Any way to make a long story short after 15 minutes of the most unbearable pain I am able to rise and walk to the shower where the nice hot water eases my back and washes my ass crack. When I get back upstairs Susi look at me and remarks “did everything come out alright?” All I can do is smile and whisper fucking A.

But wait there is more to this week from hell. Susi still wants me to go to this tennis clinic and since my feets, feel a little better, and my back has calm down I figure I take out my old grandfather‚s stick and hit with her instructor. I get there and there is a nice mixture of people participating in the clinic. But then I see two colorless farts (white people) with the same bullshit bison nut sacks sneakers on. Holly crap I feel like I am at the rodeo, or the running of the bulls. If all three of us stand together we might have animal control come after us. Anyway I did pretty well with my grandfather‚s stick. Hit for about an hour and went home. However I tweaked my knee and shoulder trying to compensate for my bad feets and sore back. I go home and ice down my sore body. I did not have enough ice or ice bags to help with all the sore parts that I had. Fuck!! I look like I should be in an M.A.S.H episode. The recover has been as slow as a fart coming out of tight ass bitch. I should have listen to my father when he said “here is a good piece of advice, never, never get old.”

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