X-Men 3

I just recently saw X-Men 3: The Last Stand on the big screen, and I think it’s fair to say that I have mixed feelings about the film. It’s regrettable that I couldn’t watch it together with my dear friend Reynaldo, as only he could best appreciate my “in the moment” commentary and use his mutant power of scoffing to balance the tide. Below I offer some of my thoughts about the film both as a comic superhero buff and as a critic:

(SPOILER ALERT: don’t read any further if you wish not to know any details about the film incase you have yet to see it; or you can read on to save your time & money)

Respectable

- Role Models: Ian McMillian (Magento), Patrick Stewart (Xavier) and Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) are great in their reprised roles along with Halle Berry (Storm) who had a much better part in this movie. Graham Kesley as Beast was a good fit.

- Morlock: Calisto’s character was kool, even if she was used too much as a plot-forwarding puesdo-oracle.

- Menace to Society: Though a lame way of introducing the character, my man Bill Duke from the Predator had a cameo role within the gov’ ment as Bolivar Trask the creator of the sentinels. Word up.

Deplorable

- Ads: From Dell, to Mercedes, to Harely-Davidson they all served to remind us that C.R.E.A.M. is in full effect for the marketing execs of these franchise films. But the worse of the bunch was the Fox News brand rearing it’s ugly self in one of the TV spots within the movie — talk about insult to injury.

- Senseless Swearing: Vinnie Jones exclamation of “I’m the Juggernaut, BITCH!” was just a pale imitation of David Chappelle’s famous Rick James gag line.

- Class 5 mutant: This is where the traditionalist fanboy in me comes out barfing at any concept that undermines “The Twelve” plot line in the comic book. Enthusiasts know to which I refer.

Bitch Slapped

- Cyclops: how can one of the mainstays of the comic book series and the first two films be bounced out of the 3rd film in just under 15 minutes… and so unceremoniously?!

Sellout

- Rogue: what a whiney little shit.

Cheesy comic references that only a fanboy can appreciate

- Beast quote: “Oh my stars and garders”

- Wolverine quote: “Not bad furball”

- The fast ball special between Colossus and Wolverine.

- Cameo of Stan Lee watering his lawn.

Poor use of the Mutant X gene

- Angel: What a waste of a character, one of the seminal X-Men no less, who was so under-utilized in the film you could’ve sworn he was only featured in the movie poster; he had a bigger role in the trailer for crying out loud! Warren saving his dad at the end was not only weak, it was so obvious we saw it coming all the way from Asteroid M.

- Multiple Man: Just like in the comic book, he was useless here too.

- Phoenix: this was the biggest snore of Jean Grey on screen yet. She was the “most powerful mutant” yet was a frigging mime for 110 minutes. And when she did act it was just an overblown staredown with vericous veins popping out her face. How Wolverine managed to physically survive her “Phoenix Force” while Professor X didn’t is beyond me.

- Artie: Good lord, I’m still trying to figure this one out… where’s Powder when you need him.

Random Thoughts

- Did you stick around after the film credits to see the extra footage of Charles Xavier? He’s proof that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of the handicap, and that you can’t keep a good telepathic cripple down.

- Wolverine’s constant shrieks of “Noooooooo…” just seemed to go on and on at every opportunity throughout the film leaving me to think maybe he actually does have feelings for Cyclops after all.

- What was the point of destroying the Golden Gate Bridge? Is Marin County really that stuffy?

- Pyro had the most ghetto wick I’ve ever seen for a big budget superhero action film.

- What are the odds that in a future X-movie they’ll find Scott Summers in Alaska???

- I wonder what Chris Claremont thought of that “Class 5″ mutant designation? It must bring back fond memories of watching his work being gutted again just like during the ’90’s.

- Can you imagine how excited that asian actress must be for her second role as Jubilation Lee? I mean she was listed in the credits and was in the film for a whole 2.5 seconds, 1 second longer than in the X2! At that rate she’ll have a line in just 6 more sequels.

- Apparently Psylocke was in the film too.

- With Calisto and Storm going toe-to-toe twice in the film, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what mutant black-on-black crime looks like.

Conclusion…

…what a frigging a waste. I mean it was kool in that nerdy fanboy way, but the plot left a lot to be desired and all the useless cameos just sucked. Rumor has it they’ll be shooting a Wolvie film next, and here’s hoping they don’t go anywhere near the origins story with that one.

2 STARS out of four

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