Dracula 3000

*sigh*

It’s amazing to me how this “movie” elevates bullshit to an artform. Science can learn a lot from scripts this stupid. Not only did watching this garbage excuse for a movie represent the end of an already lame Halloween outing, but it also stole 120 minutes of my lifeforce that I will never see again.

It’s no wonder that DVD copies were literally being given away by the bar tenders while I was at Hobgoblins last night trying to salvage the annual spooky day of mischief by drowning myself over some pints with Sara, Spyros and Angela. But I swear no amount of alchohol could have saved us from what would transpire next.

The cast actually has quite a few familar faces in it, most notably “Deebo”, from those Friday flicks, and Erika Eleniak who combine to form the anchor of castrophy of which this movie inflicts upon it’s viewers. Somehow they managed to get actor Udo Kier in the film briefly for some credibility which only lasts for the first five minutes.

Not only is “Dracula 3000″ one of the most mind-numbing movies you could ever watch, but the real horror of the film shines through “actor” Coolio setting the black race back 50 years with all of his retarded antics on screen. Yes, Mr. “Gangstas Paradise” was casted in this steaming pile of crap as an interstellar pot-head and he was clearly ad-libbing after the tenous plot wears away 20 minutes into the movie leaving one to believe that the script was never complete to begin with. Coolio’s character, after being turned into a minion of the Lord of Darkess himself, just about creates the newest low of cinematic dialogue ever:

“I ever tell you how many times I see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas? Or the times I stayed up late, high as a kite in a non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda and dreamed about your Snow White ass?”.

The story has so many holes in it that it’s pointless to attempt keeping any shread of logical continuity about it unless your sole wish is to give yourself an aneurism. It’s really that bad.

It’s set in the future around the year 3000 in some far away star system, yet nothing about the space ship or it’s crew suggests anything other than crude 20th century technology. In fact it would be considered out of date by 2006 standards.

And Dracula himself is barely in the movie a full 3 minutes, which is actually good for us because he is the softest vampire you’ll ever see, screaming hysterically like a little girl towards the end of the film when he endures a flesh wound. He’s the freaking monster of the film, yet here he is reduced to tears. Somewhere, Bram Stroker is rolling in his grave.

Meanwhile, it’s the 30th century and the surving crew members are running around the spaceship trying to kill vampires with pool sticks. FREAKING POOL STICKS?! ON A SPACE SHIP?!! Unbelievable…

Clearly, the budget for this movie was virtually nonexistent. It’s the abrupt ending that cements that theory in place as the two surving crew members, plus Count Bitch-u-la, have the spaceship suddenly crash into a star. Yep, that’s it. But they don’t even let that last scene of the ship exploding into pieces finish. Instead, they freeze-frame it halfway through and have the credits immediately begin to roll.

Wow.

Unless you’re Catholic, really hate yourself and your pets despise you even more, then there just isn’t any reason on Earth to subject yourself to this kind of pain & punishment.

¼ STAR out of four

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